THE LOW-DOWN ON THE TOWN Impudent, uncensored account By C. Castle

He's Not Going, But We're on the Story

"It's not me. It's not me," cried an exasperated sounding Art Cohen, the school district's head money guy.

Once again word is circulating that the youthful-looking-but-near-retirement-age Cohen was planning on stepping down. And we, ever persistent in our quest for the news, wanted to know if the rumor was true. It wasn't. It wasn't true the last time we called either.

And this time, we were so sure Cohen was retiring. After all we had written proof -- an amendment to the Board of Education's agenda last Thursday stated that the director of business and fiscal services was stepping down effective June 1, 2000.

"Hey, that's a hot story," we thought, quickly dialing the school district's number.

Cohen quickly doused our enthusiasm and set the record straight - he's the assistant superintendent of business and fiscal services, not the director.

"Oops," we said, quickly hanging up.

Last November, when rumors first surfaced, Cohen told us he and his wife Nancy had indeed talked about retirement but had made no decisions.

When the time comes, though, you can be sure we'll be on the story.

Letting Go

It seems Council members have a hard time letting go when they leave office.

A few months back we reported how former mayors Dennis Zane and Judy Abdo jumped to their feet and signaled for a time-out during a council discussion on whether to bail out the public schools.

Well last week, it happened again. This time, fellow SMRRite and former councilman Kelly Olsen was the one trying to call the shots from the sidelines.

Olsen, who seemed to be orchestrating a neighbor's appeal of a planning commission decision he voted against, jumped to his feet and, waving wildly, tried to grab the attention of council members as they hotly debated the fate of a gate at the Saab dealership on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Unlike Zane and Abdo - who used the traditional timeout signal, which calls for placing a horizontal hand over a vertical one -- Olson performed a move we like to refer to as the full-body nod. (If the council is making a point you especially agree with, lower the torso in a quick bowing motion and follow-up with more traditional vigorous head shaking, all the while maintaining eye contact with the council member meant to be the recipient of your message. To make it especially effective, do as Olsen did and stand behind the clerk's desk for optimum visibility).

If that doesn't work, then try the former councilman's other method of influencing your elected officials. Hoist up and wave a message. In this case, it was a picture of a wall with an arrow, which had been quickly scribbled by his fellow Planning Commissioner Darrell Clarke, who had voted for the Saab project but reversed his position before council. The message reminded the council not to forget to vote on raising the height of the dealership's wall.

Hmmm, maybe these former SMRR council members are on to something, we thought.

Who needs e-mail to get your message across to city council members once public comment is closed?

Why not try a little SMRR language?

Time to Kill

The three-hour ten-minute gate debate Tuesday night was a mixed blessing for City Attorney Marsha Moutrie.

By the time the council began discussing an ordinance that protects workers from being fired for backing a living wage, it was after midnight and the staff was getting tired.

Could you draft some new language into the ordinance, the council asked Moutrie.

"I can't draft very well at 12:25," Moutrie said.

But long-winded debates over minor issues have their benefits as well.

When asked what she thought of incorporating language used in a Los Angeles case, Moutrie noted:

"Your last discussion gave me time to read the case."